Recently I battled a funk that at times was more like a heavy looming depression than just an “off” mood. Full-blown depression held frequent flyer miles in my head for years when I was younger. Over time, God has given me some very “rubber meets the road” ways to kick its butt back to hell whenever it would try to find its way back into my head. He showed me ways to recognize my triggers, like early warning devices that ring in my spirit and warn me of the nasty intruder trying to breach the security system. Because depression had created such well-worn ruts in my mind, it was a process learning to recognize and resist the triggers that had allowed depression free reign.
During this recent battle, the old thinking patterns of worthlessness, rejection, and hopelessness began circling the walls looking for anywhere the wall was in disrepair. Anywhere I had allowed a brick to crumble slightly. ANYTHING that would allow even a single wispy negative self-deprecating thought to find its way through and take hold in my mind.
It started with a ministry situation that I could have handled better. God has given me grace over the years to love people where they are, but that night was different. That night, a woman got inches from my face berating me and screaming at me. For some reason, there was just no grace in me, just anger. I walked away without expressing it the way it was raging inside of me, but I was shocked, disappointed, and angry with myself that it was there. Where was the grace? Where was the love? Where was the Sally that God made me to be? How had I been replaced with this angry, graceless, and powerless mess? Powerless. Powerless against her rage. Powerless against the demons raging within her and coming against everyone around her. Powerless against this crazy, out-of-control world.
The fortress that had kept depression out was breached. I lost the power the Lord had given me to keep that security system in place. Of course I hadn’t LOST that power. I had surrendered it willingly through my agreement with the thoughts raging through my head, by ALLOWING them to remain instead of returning them to sender. I lost my footing in the rubble of the refuge I allowed to crumble. I slipped, lost my balance, and felt that teetering wobble that comes as time slows down for a second - right before you take a header.
I spent about a month caught in the “wobble” - knowing with everything in me that I can NOT listen to the voices of my past reminding me of every misstep I have ever taken. I KNOW the road that agreeing with those thoughts will take me - back to the old pit where I used to live. I will not return to those long, torment-filled days wrapped in blankets over my anorexic, fetal-positioned body. God has lovingly reminded me over and over again that I AM no longer that girl! I no longer live in that pit! That pit is no longer my address and I can NOT allow any mail from that address to be forwarded. THAT girl learned that she was NOT powerless! THAT girl learned to fight back. THAT girl transformed into THIS girl that knows she is loved and no longer needs to listen to the lies that say she has no worth, no voice, and no future.
Caught in the “wobble”… knowing NOT to agree with the old voices but still not seeing what exactly to grasp on to to stop the fall. Of course, I know that Jesus is the only “solid” in a world full of shifting shadows. The only One that I can run to. But I am very pragmatic. High-sounding religious concepts without translation of those concepts into real life, how to walk them out and apply them, means nothing to this ex-atheist, non-churchy girl. In the “wobble” I found it hard to connect to Daddy when normally I just run to Him and very easily hear His voice. I was struggling, so I did what every person who has ever struggled with rejection hates to do… I asked for help. I went to a friend, with whom I can verbally process, and we talked.
I was driving and my friend saw a small bit of a rainbow - not a whole rainbow, not an arc, just a tiny portion. It was beautiful and of course reminded us of His promises. I asked Father why just a bit of a rainbow, why not the whole thing? I felt the answer in my spirit, He has already shown me dramatic, sky filling promises - many yet to be fulfilled. All I needed was a little reminder. All I needed was a little bit of a rainbow - “remember who you are daughter, remember WHOSE you are!”
Personally I have been going through a time of transition - I feel like there are some new things on the horizon that God has for me in ministry, but I just don’t see much of the picture at this point. Transition is a tough place. I know many are in this place. It’s difficult when we feel the excitement of the new coming, yet we just can’t seem to get a full picture just yet. It can feel a whole lot like being stuck. One season of life seems to be closing. You KNOW another is opening, but those doors just aren’t open yet. So it feels more like being stuck in the hallway than walking into a glorious new beginning. For me, along with feeling stuck in a hallway, it seems that many of the doors I would like to walk through have “No Admittance” plastered on them. As I have grasped door knobs and pulled frantically only to find them firmly locked, I have had to fight the old thoughts that love to scream, “You’re not good enough!” “You will fail; you’re not qualified!”, etc., etc. The enemy loves to scream at us incessantly as we wait in the hallway for God’s timing and His open doors.
This brings me back to the moment I was driving in the car with my friend as she pointed out the bit of a rainbow. I blurted out, “Noah was not a boat builder, yet he built one.” I don’t remember ever giving it a thought as to what Noah did before he built the ark. What DID Noah do before becoming a boat builder? It isn’t biblically clear. He was probably a farmer, but we don’t definitively know. Why? Because it really doesn’t matter. What we DO know is there is no biblical evidence that he was a builder of great ships. What were his qualifications if his resume had no prior ship building experience? Peter says he was a preacher of righteousness (2 Peter 2:5). “Preacher” here can mean “herald” - he proclaimed living a life seeking God to a world seeking self-fulfillment. God "qualified" him. A surrendered heart, not a lifetime of ship building experience or a perfect sinless life, "qualified" him.
Right there in a middle of a “funk”... that little bit of rainbow reminded me of the bigness of our Daddy. Training and planning are good and in order, but my heart is most important. Is my heart open and willing? Am I seeking His heart? No voice that whispers in my head telling me I am unqualified can stop the God who sees me as able even when I don’t, even when my “resume” states I have no ship building experience. So right here, in the waiting, I will love and worship Him. I am determined to silence the thoughts of being “stuck” - our enemy hates a heart that is content in Him. But that makes me all the more determined to be content!
Are you finding yourself feeling overwhelmed or feeling “stuck” in a place of transition? Are you struggling with anger, fear of the future, or depression? I believe that underneath these spirits is the same root cause... feelings of powerlessness. These spirits work to make you feel like you are powerless to change anything. When anger or fear or depression rages at us, we have to be determined to remember it is a spirit at work and we are NOT powerless! WE decide if we are going to agree with it and allow it to overwhelm us. FIGHT children of God! NOT in the natural, but in the spirit! Be determined that NO spirit of this world can make you surrender your peace! I am in no way saying that the fight is an easy one. What I AM saying is that if you have asked Jesus into your heart you DO have the power to make them go! You have the God of all the universe living within you! Rise up daughters and sons of the Most High and fight! Let NO spirit of the enemy eat your lunch! Need help in the fight like I did? ASK! Shut the mouth of rejection and reach out for others to get in the fight with you! Need resources? Reach out!
The situation I faced made me feel powerless, but powerlessness is still a symptom, not the root. Underneath it all, WHY do we feel powerless? When the world is going bonkers around us and everything seems out of control, rage is everywhere, right and wrong have taken up gymnastics, it can leave us wondering where God is in all of it.
All of that to say, none of us know all of the “whys” of the circumstances we face. But we can determine in our hearts NOT to take the bait Eve swallowed that He is not FULLY good. As I “unpacked” the anger that led to the “funk” that was grounded in powerlessness, I saw the root of it all was unbelief. OUCH! But when we agree with powerlessness, we are essentially saying that the things I am facing are bigger than me and I have no power to change them or to go through them... which is true if it were just you. But you are NOT alone. It’s not just you! The God who loves you with an everlasting love, the One who raised Jesus from the dead lives within you! HE is NOT powerless! He is also ALWAYS good, so we can trust Him even when we are going through things that we can’t seem to see anything good in.
If a farmer can build an ark, I too can do ALL things through Christ who strengthens me (Phil.4:13). Even those things that I feel unqualified for, incredibly difficult things like building an ark with no ship building experience. As in the days of Noah so shall it be when the Son of Man returns... Noah lived in an evil age as we do. He was an imperfect man found worthy to do great things because he said yes to God and stood steadfast in believing that God is good, even when circumstances may have screamed differently. I think about how grieved his heart must have been as Holy Spirit closed the door of the ark and the rain began. Yet through it all, he remained faithful. Did he feel powerless to change a heart as he “heralded” the Lord to a deaf world? Or did he trust that God is good ALWAYS, even when he didn’t understand? On an ark that Noah was given no instruction to build either rutter or anchor, Father was both - He still is.
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