A few days ago, I set out on a run. As I began, I felt the Lord speak to run the entire course—a deviation from my usual combination of running and walking. To run it entirely is literally twice as much running than usual, so I was immediately concerned and started thinking about all the hills and the distance and wondering if I could make the whole thing. I felt the Lord telling me, “Focus on the moment. Don’t worry about the hills or the distance. Just run. Just enjoy this moment you are in RIGHT NOW. Don’t worry about the moments to come.” This seems like such an easy thing, but I would catch myself thinking, “this is going to hurt,” “this is hard,” “but those hills Lord!” Each time my mind wandered to what was coming, He reminded me, “THIS moment Sally. Enjoy THIS moment as we talk together. Concentrate on the beauty of THIS right here!”
I was nearly at the end of the run before I was able to see the beauty of the day, of hearing His voice, of being in the moment. My concerns about it hurting and not being able to make it washed away as He spoke to be conscious of the step I was in, not the steps ahead and what they may or may not hold. As I ran, fighting my brain’s tendency to run off into the future, I saw how much time I spend living in a future that is in my mind, a future that may or may not play out like I envision it (for better or worse), and it causes me to miss the RIGHT NOW!
Growing up in an alcoholic household, I felt like I was forever walking on eggshells, always waiting for the “other shoe to drop.” And very often it did drop. Fragile moments of good were suddenly shattered and sharp. Without God’s healing, we take our childhood dysfunctions into adulthood, and fear wreaks havoc in us. Like a computer program I forgot to shut down, an emotional program runs in the background telling me to fear that this beautiful moment of running on a bright sunny day will be ruined by the pain that may be on that next hill? Why? Because there WAS pain on that hill in the past. There WERE times it seemed unbearable, and I fear going back to them.
The next day I set off on my run and asked the Lord if I was to run the whole course again. This time I heard Him say to just run until He said to stop. He also had me run a direction I don’t usually go. The whole time, I kept asking, “should I go to the end of this street and then walk Lord?” Do you want me to stop at that mailbox or that car up there?” Each time He said, “Enjoy THIS moment Sally. Trust Me. Keep running, and I’ll tell you when to stop.” Struggling to just run and hear, I saw not only how I project fear into the future, but also an ugly thing that was very hard to admit… I like to FEEL in control. I wanted to be “mentally prepared” for the run I was facing. Even though the course He set before me the day before was challenging, I had some semblance of control—I knew the course and how far I was to run. But to just run with no idea if I was to run one mile or 10? What? How do I do that?
When we “unpack” it, isn’t anxiety (which is fear) about what may or may not happen in the future, truly the fear that we aren’t in control? We want prophets to tell us what is coming so we can “mentally prepare.” But is faith always about knowing the “what?” Isn’t it more about knowing the “Who?” If 2020 taught us nothing else, surely it taught us that any façade we may have of being in control is just a thin and faulty veneer. So then, what more is underneath that fear?
I believe the dark shadows lurking beneath our fears is a lack of trust. For many of us, we have good reason not to trust. People have let us down. Parents were faulty. Authority figures were abusive. The “church” is a mess, and the list goes on. There is no lack of logical reasons to avoid trusting. Yet trust is the foundation that our faith is built on. Faith IS trust! So how DO we do it? How do I run without knowing the course set before me or how far I will be asked to run? I stay in the moment, focusing on the One who loves me—always has, always will. I cry out to Him to reveal, heal, and take the pain that is causing the fear! I ask Him to set me free from it as He has so many other fears before. I cry out to Him to teach me how to trust Him in new ways and to new heights. He IS healer, and He IS trustworthy.
How often I have wanted to protect my heart from disappointment. (Yup, fear of disappointment! Ugh!) At times I have felt like enjoying a moment meant that I could be blindsided. To take a “joy ride” would mean that I’d eventually lose control and hit a brick wall at 90 miles an hour. In my mind’s eye, I could see someone barreling towards a brick wall. But as they hit it, they didn’t crumble. They weren’t crushed or shattered into a million pieces. Rather, it was as if the wall absorbed them and took the impact. The bricks transformed into the arms of the Father. Any impact became harmless as it got absorbed in his embrace. Will we have trials in this life? Yes. Will there be times the “course we run” will become more difficult? Absolutely. But the bottom line is, it’s not people, or circumstances, or what we have accomplished that we trust in—otherwise we will be sorely disappointed. We trust in Him. No matter what the future holds—days of running happily on a sunny day or days that feel like barreling towards a brick wall—His arms are there to embrace us and absorb us in His love.
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