For years I didn’t like fall. I’m not sure I ever really did, but for several years I absolutely dreaded it. As the leaves began to change and the first few leaves would begin to float off the trees, I wanted desperately to stop time. Like a video played in reverse, I wanted every leaf to fly back into place and its chlorophyll to return it to its former bright green state. I didn’t always consciously understand why a dull underlying sadness, perhaps more akin to depression would come knocking, asking to come in and wreak havoc. As many vie for a place along the Blue Ridge Parkway to marvel at the beauty of the multi-hued forests below, I longed for spring and summer to stay and just bypass those other two seasons.
A few years ago, I was in the midst of what had become a yearly fall slump. I was fighting to not allow sadness to overwhelm me, and I felt Holy Spirit ask me to look again, to see the beauty in the season. I knew He wanted me to see the season through my artist's eyes. To see the wonder of the incredible variations in color and textures. To appreciate His incredible creation. But it was much deeper than that. He wanted me to see the beauty in what was underneath as well. To examine the root, the true reason fall had lost its beauty in my heart, and to allow Him to show me another perspective. My father, my great friend, my heart, died eight years ago at the tail-end of September, right as the leaves began to change. Every day I would go and help my mom and take her to the gym to work out and I would go for a run. I ran the same trail every day as the leaves fell and my tears matched them. This daddy’s girl felt lost on that trail she had run countless times. She felt she no longer had any way to navigate life... Her hero, her rock, her place of safety and comfort was gone. Every day on that trail, Holy Spirit would comfort me and remind me that I was in the palm of His hand. I was safe. I was loved. I was NOT alone. His Presence let me grieve on His shoulder and at the end of each run, I had His peace that got me through the day. He met me in powerful, sweet, and intimate ways on that trail every day.
For several years after that, fall reminded me of the intense pain of losing my dad. The falling leaves screamed of loss and pain, not the beauty others saw. Fall just hurt. As fall approached and the dread that came with it tried to take hold, Holy Spirit began to minister to me to change my perspective and remind me of the beauty in it. I saw the colors changing as beautiful for the first time in a very long time. Even the seasons we have been through that have been heart-wrenching and difficult hold beauty. Yet our minds tend to get fixated on pain and it can be difficult to see beyond that very limited and limiting perspective. Although a great loss had happened in that season, there had also been great growth. I learned to trust and hear Father in new ways in that season. My whole life I had seen my earthy father as being my “safety net” and it had suddenly disappeared. But each day on that trail, Father God showed me that He understood my heart, and was there for me - He was and always had been my safety net. I no longer had my dad to talk to and that was devastating, but my Father stepped in to hear my heart and be my strength. Could I bring Him my grief and let Him walk me through it? Could I trust Him like never before? Could I see the beauty in a season I didn’t like, a season I just wanted to skip?
We all know that grief is a process. While there are stages of grief we all go through, our paths are different. As much as we would like to skip it all and just fast-forward to the Hallmark movie version of wonderful happy days, we can’t bypass the journey. It wouldn’t be healthy for us in the long run. Our Father knows that and I met the God of the journey on that trail 8 years ago. I see the beauty in it now as I remember how no matter how lost I felt in those moments, no matter how many tears fell or how intense the pain was, I was not alone, He carried me through.
As I go through a season of grief now for several lost loved ones, the leaves fall and I will not let the pain of loss pull me into the pit of depression because we are NOT like those who have no hope! Fear of the future would love to rear its ugly head but my Daddy, my Hero is with me to slay every giant... I learned that on the trail as He walked me through... “Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil”... Fear only has the power we give it. Grief brings change, and change can loom over us like a huge threatening storm cloud, yelling that we need to take cover and self-protect. On the trail, He asked me to hand over that false protection. I didn’t need it, I have a Protector... “His rod and staff comfort me”... A shepherd's rod was like a club. It was used as a defense against predators. The staff was used to keep the sheep with the herd and to guide them. When grief and change seem overwhelming, the Good Shepherd defends, protects, leads, and guides me.
Fall is still not my favorite season, but I appreciate its beauty now. Both the natural beauty of the season as well as the beauty of that difficult season that was so full of His love, Presence, compassion, comfort, and growth. I am reminded of the goodness of God in the middle of pain, uncertainty, and change that felt like it would undo me yet He was there through all of it. As beautiful as the Great Smoky Mountains are when the fall colors are displayed in all their glory, they are still only a tiny reflection of the beauty of our Father.
He loves you. He sees you, and He will meet you on your trail too.
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